dead baby maya.

it was a long day and i had to relax my mind before i go back into anymore studying. i went out the front yard for a dip in the pool. nothing beats night swimming. i tried to clear my mind as i swam each lap, i could not help but think of building construction, structural design and history of architecture. it seemed that my mind was too congested and needless to say too obstructed by thoughts of -----. i could not help but smile and laugh to myself, reminiscing how despite 3 years ago, yesterday could have been awkward. but no, it was actually relieving, like taking out a ton of gravel off my chest. yes, i missed him. but it does not mean that i want him back now that i am focusing for June 26, 2008. i let my mind wander of what should have been and just a while ago, as i was doing my laps, my fingers brushed through something. it was too small to be noticed in such a big tub. but instead of ignoring it, i tried to see what it was as it was difficult to see through the water without the UW lights on. despite the dim glow of the moon, i saw tiny wings.....a dead baby maya. it was a sign, and it meant for me to stop thinking of past relationships as it is dead as it is. and that god did not let things end then if it were not meant to be left broken as it is. surely, even in structural analysis, delta x is delta x. period.


tsk.


"......Don't they know that you're full of pain already? Yes they know that you've hurt yourself another time; Decadence isn't easy, is it?...

...Then you slowly recall all your mind; Why, your soul's gone cold, and all hope has run dry; Dead inside; Never enough to forget that you're one of the lonely....." - Disturbed

breathe amidst traffic.

For Fri Mar 14, 2008, 1:26 AM

It seems that i have found a way to avoid doing heavy load. no, not a coward's way out. but finding fault in a system done over so many times that it needs to be looked after and given attention.

now i can breathe amidst the traffic inside this corrupted office and relax my mind to the sound of the air conditioning unit humming wildly above my desk.

He says that I am pretty…pretty intense.

Speed drafting class starts at 9 in the morning. I come in late as usual, and luckily catching up on whatever techniques in drawing our professor shares with the class.

Lecture. Samples. Samples. More samples. Exercises.

I tried to make everything on my sheets of hopia paper look impressive, but I noticed that 2 years of no-drawing work has made me rusty.

Despite my disappointment, our professor pointed at my work and said “sure na ‘yan”. I took it as a good sign.

Its now 4 in the afternoon. My eyes tired, my hands darkened with lead and stained with ink.

Still practicing.

R----- praised my drafting. He said that I have improved a lot since college. He says that I am pretty............... pretty intense. Wahaha!!

Yay.

"Oh, I'm ready, I'm ready so don't stop
I'm ready so don't stop, Keep pushing..."

disgusting ang delusional.

The past weeks have been delusional. I come to work on alternate days and on other days I begin my day at eight in the morning. Design classes are like a necessity for me night now, and in truth, I cannot afford to lose a session. I admit I come in class later than that, and expect to finish the plate in 4 hours, whereas the given time is about 8 hours including doing the conceptual model. After which the professor would discuss and the student shall interact amongst and with him regarding the design problem involved. R says that I have been doing well, I believe I’m lacking something else. I try to be effective and not waste those 9 hours specifically just for drafting and design or I might not have any other day allotted for it because Wednesday and or Thursday would have a totally different schedule, different agenda.

I still need practice. Patience is a virtue but time really is gold and ticks too damn fast.
After class at Morayta, I head straight to the next class in Diliman. Given an hour travel, and leaving the 1st class 30 minutes later than the supposed dismissal time due to extensive criticism of design solutions, I arrive to the next class late. I among to cope anyway and that’s what matters. I know for sure that the given time for us to listen and participate in the next four hours is "review" enough. So I pay attention. Literally paid the school so I would be in attention to all these details I need for architecture, design and construction. Life is a breeze, it means, like Juan Tamad, and should be as easy as swinging on a hammock under the mango tree. But in this case, it has been a breeze, airy, data overload, and fast drifting.

Going to work on the other hand has become automatic to me. As for a robot, doing the usual stuff, Different situations, different projects, but the same way of handling things. As M would say SSDD! I see myself calm, avoiding to stress over work, as I believe, sir it isn’t my business. But I do care about it and its owners, maybe that’s why I was placed in this position. This department, where our department head puts it as the trusted ones of the COO. I have been thinking, maybe I have been too honest or too nice here. Whereas I thought I was different then. J says I have changed for the better. Maybe to fit his habits n attitude here, and for his benefit. But I know I do not like what I have been becoming. This is not what I had expected at all. Again, regret. I know that I should never go sour over the outcome however bad it may be, but I can not understand I how I have managed to stay adapt to an environment, where there seem forces trying to drag me down and keep hidden back for him only to be acknowledged. Being a good officemate and supposedly partner in projects, I do pat his back for a job well done, and so does he sometimes, but more often with hint of sarcasm. No I am not seeking attention, but his actions towards me have led to him doing the work I should be doing. I assume so he’d be noticed now and be given extra credit for it. I work all trades, and with pay for the work of one. It sucks.

On normal days he would try to take all the work and surely, I’d be sitting by my desk doing just a few minor projects. I let him do what he wants n go to meetings not including me now. And then come this morning, when he admits he cannot take too much work n needed a partner. I said then what was I here for? And he would retaliate that it just so happens that I come only alternate days to work. (Due to my classes these days and I cannot jeopardize that, because my complaint refers to the time he have been so dates back to ayah~ F knows when. he says he cannot just schedule meetings on days I’m here. I mean, why can’t he? We do the schedules and submit them to the project managers. He is doing this on purpose. And for what (obvious) reason? I do not want to assume judgement because I fear my hypothesis to be true and see it with disgust.

Lord help…

empty playground.

I just do not get how life can be unfair sometimes. He was introduced to me by a colleague. We went out with his entourage and it pretty much went well. Though I have been told that I get along very well with people, I was aware that I have made a nice impression on his group. Even though one of them had courted me in the past and that I have turned down, the guy has now moved on and have found the right girl for him. I took it as a relief and concentrated on this guys was introduced to. The Date. He is tall and slim, but it seemed he lack exercise, or so that I could just see he has a appetite and that his belly gives it away. After that night, we spoke on the phone occasionally, texted whenever there’s a need of help in marketing their business, visiting me here in the office, when he has a meeting elsewhere and that he just didn’t have no where else to go and wait until the scheduled time of meeting begins. It was in those times that I have known him, the so little information I have learned mostly, observations of his words and actions, ad how he reacts to and to the things I would say. we have gone out 2 to 3 times, and that’s about the time we have spent together. All those nights we waste on the phone, talking nonsense, and sometimes about life in general, have left me questioning about his feelings for me. In many ways he has jokingly expressed his feelings for me, either true, or like what I said, jokingly, a half-meant truth. I never wanted to assume, as it has been a burden for me, knowing that something is what I have expected, as in truth it is the opposite. Many times it ahs given me hope for better things in life, but never the less, have brought me despair, in all things, not only in love like a child, I am lost to wander the sandpits of the vast and empty playground in this phase of my life. Today, this guy whom I thought has feeling for me, and yes, whom I’ve gotten to like also, has come to visit. He got some materials for his requirement, a favor he has asked of me for his mom. Instead of just taking the things he needed, he asked how I am, and we chatted a few minutes. He tells me all of a sudden how sad he has become. And I asked why. He told me about his constant thought about dating, going out and not being happy about it. Though he says that he enjoys their company, its not the same meaning as being happy about it. Whatever it means, I could not explain, I know how he feels, so I told him. And then asked, " how about me? Do u feel unhappy when in my company?" and he replied that if he were unhappy, would he be visiting me right now? (He sounded like me, a hoax at exposing one’s thoughts) at times though I think it is good, as it helps people relax, you tell them what they want to hear, and yet, of course I would know when not to, and tell them the truth when the audience is willing to hear it. At this point I feel like being slapped by my own hand. I guess he does not take me seriously now because I have always done the same with him as expressed through my actions and how I speak to him. it just feels sad to realize, how hard it is to accept that, when I asked "now, why are u telling me this?" he said "I just think that I want to open up to you now, since we’re friends anyway, right?" and I just said "yeah we are."
( I just do not get how life can be unfair sometimes…)

Endless. Rescue. Dream.

He is above all this. He sees to it that our friends do not leave us, neither would our family, it is his way of telling us, how deeply hurt he is when we are troubled; how deeply moved he is when we are emotional; how ecstatic he is when we are excited and happy. He feels us.

In times of trouble, we run to our friends for support, our family, if all else fails to give us that comfort we need. Never the less the requirement from either one, we heed compassion from them. We see empathy that they, yes, feel our pain. They literally cry with us, and ride with us when we are in the pits. We rely so much on other people’s support, because we know that they will uplift us from too much sadness, and worry. Like in a dream, they are the Sandman waiting to rescue us from our endless fall.

Today was different.

Today was different.
I came in early for work.
This is not because we had a deal the previous day, I just wanted to show him I can do it.
I had my schedule lined up for the whole day. I stuck my list, comprising of three pieces of paper on my office partition. It shone happily, telling em how this day would be good and I could accomplish everything to it and any assignment to be given involuntarily. I was high.
It began as soon as I looked up from my wide and cluttered desk…. There standing by our administration personnel’s cubicle is the first contractor/supplier I had to meet. I signaled to my mentor and he told me to go ahead. It was a good sign that he “trusts” me now. I began with the clarificatory meeting and discussed with the supplier all the items he has to keep in mind to be able to submit to us afterwards our requirement.
It went well and I signaled to my mentor again what I was done with it. Instead of the usual “overtaking”, he spoke tot he guy in with respect now, to me, he acknowledged and confirmed that the guy prepare what I needed for my evaluation. I was happy about what he did, n what he said. It made my morning.