empty playground.

I just do not get how life can be unfair sometimes. He was introduced to me by a colleague. We went out with his entourage and it pretty much went well. Though I have been told that I get along very well with people, I was aware that I have made a nice impression on his group. Even though one of them had courted me in the past and that I have turned down, the guy has now moved on and have found the right girl for him. I took it as a relief and concentrated on this guys was introduced to. The Date. He is tall and slim, but it seemed he lack exercise, or so that I could just see he has a appetite and that his belly gives it away. After that night, we spoke on the phone occasionally, texted whenever there’s a need of help in marketing their business, visiting me here in the office, when he has a meeting elsewhere and that he just didn’t have no where else to go and wait until the scheduled time of meeting begins. It was in those times that I have known him, the so little information I have learned mostly, observations of his words and actions, ad how he reacts to and to the things I would say. we have gone out 2 to 3 times, and that’s about the time we have spent together. All those nights we waste on the phone, talking nonsense, and sometimes about life in general, have left me questioning about his feelings for me. In many ways he has jokingly expressed his feelings for me, either true, or like what I said, jokingly, a half-meant truth. I never wanted to assume, as it has been a burden for me, knowing that something is what I have expected, as in truth it is the opposite. Many times it ahs given me hope for better things in life, but never the less, have brought me despair, in all things, not only in love like a child, I am lost to wander the sandpits of the vast and empty playground in this phase of my life. Today, this guy whom I thought has feeling for me, and yes, whom I’ve gotten to like also, has come to visit. He got some materials for his requirement, a favor he has asked of me for his mom. Instead of just taking the things he needed, he asked how I am, and we chatted a few minutes. He tells me all of a sudden how sad he has become. And I asked why. He told me about his constant thought about dating, going out and not being happy about it. Though he says that he enjoys their company, its not the same meaning as being happy about it. Whatever it means, I could not explain, I know how he feels, so I told him. And then asked, " how about me? Do u feel unhappy when in my company?" and he replied that if he were unhappy, would he be visiting me right now? (He sounded like me, a hoax at exposing one’s thoughts) at times though I think it is good, as it helps people relax, you tell them what they want to hear, and yet, of course I would know when not to, and tell them the truth when the audience is willing to hear it. At this point I feel like being slapped by my own hand. I guess he does not take me seriously now because I have always done the same with him as expressed through my actions and how I speak to him. it just feels sad to realize, how hard it is to accept that, when I asked "now, why are u telling me this?" he said "I just think that I want to open up to you now, since we’re friends anyway, right?" and I just said "yeah we are."
( I just do not get how life can be unfair sometimes…)

Endless. Rescue. Dream.

He is above all this. He sees to it that our friends do not leave us, neither would our family, it is his way of telling us, how deeply hurt he is when we are troubled; how deeply moved he is when we are emotional; how ecstatic he is when we are excited and happy. He feels us.

In times of trouble, we run to our friends for support, our family, if all else fails to give us that comfort we need. Never the less the requirement from either one, we heed compassion from them. We see empathy that they, yes, feel our pain. They literally cry with us, and ride with us when we are in the pits. We rely so much on other people’s support, because we know that they will uplift us from too much sadness, and worry. Like in a dream, they are the Sandman waiting to rescue us from our endless fall.

Today was different.

Today was different.
I came in early for work.
This is not because we had a deal the previous day, I just wanted to show him I can do it.
I had my schedule lined up for the whole day. I stuck my list, comprising of three pieces of paper on my office partition. It shone happily, telling em how this day would be good and I could accomplish everything to it and any assignment to be given involuntarily. I was high.
It began as soon as I looked up from my wide and cluttered desk…. There standing by our administration personnel’s cubicle is the first contractor/supplier I had to meet. I signaled to my mentor and he told me to go ahead. It was a good sign that he “trusts” me now. I began with the clarificatory meeting and discussed with the supplier all the items he has to keep in mind to be able to submit to us afterwards our requirement.
It went well and I signaled to my mentor again what I was done with it. Instead of the usual “overtaking”, he spoke tot he guy in with respect now, to me, he acknowledged and confirmed that the guy prepare what I needed for my evaluation. I was happy about what he did, n what he said. It made my morning.

un-family.

They say that patience is a virtue. I think it is a skill to develop; an ability to endure.

I have never been more patient.

Family is easy to understand. You actually do not have to be patient with them because they are family and for a given fact, you do not deal with them, you live with it and just simply have to accept and respect and love them for who they are and what they do.

But, for “un-family” members, they are difficult to be patient with.

Lord, help…..

stuck.

Sometimes I wonder what life could have been if I left my current work a few months back. It’s not the first time I would reflect on work accomplishment and acknowledgement. As I see it, most employees who have worked here have become too relaxed with their work, too comfortable with their positions and the fact that they simply have jobs to support their families. They have been stuck here all their lives. I see myself living it freely, and not being able to stay too long enough to grow roots under my feet but time has lapsed and it has been a year and 9 months exactly, I don’t see myself the way I did then, now I have become them. Too caught up in the cradle of surety. I have been taking my job for granted that I have transformed into a mechanical worker, rather than a person who would do her job with passion and the satisfaction of having countless accomplishments. I have become ungrateful and less enthusiastic. People would notice and tell me how much I’ve changed. Aside from the fact that I still come late, I have been doing my job pretty well and there were of course the times I would go and visit plants and job sites. Those have been exciting and fun way to learn new things in construction. Now, it’s all fading. I’m now down with projects with housing, open space, and land development and I’m left to do only evaluations and attend negotiations and presentations of those to our management. Involvement with high rise project have been only a phase, my mentor, supposedly, should be teaching me and not telling me "it’s okay, you don’t have to do anything, I can manage." Now how does that define him as a mentor? I feel I might be wasting my time here when I should be elsewhere getting my education.

unchain me from guilt.

His tongue is smooth, and it felt like mine. He comes and charms ladies as if they’re the most beautiful of their kind. We make way for breaks and spend a few minutes occasionally for a smoke or some coffee. Though this may happen not everyday his words linger in my ear like sucking starfishes. They cajole. They’re sly. They trick. They leave you a good feeling about yourself. "You’re really looking good my dear." He may have shown a respectable façade, but his stories of his side trips changed the way I see him. He has done numerous acts of disloyalty to his family, his wife. He thinks otherwise. As long as it remains hidden and refrains being executed as gossip. I was told I have been living my life as a free spirit. He deserves to be called thrice more the same way, and be faced with karma. Our difference is he’s married, and I am not. But this does not unchain me from guilt after experiencing the thrill of it. His ways are a memory of myself. I know how I have been, leaving a taste of sweetness. Good at first, karma second, and third, and fourth... I used to say enjoy for the heck of it. But now I believe it wrong and unfair for some. I tell him about this, and he answers me the way I would then. He’s years older than me, yet he seems stuck with his immaturity. A type of character I see myself living again as I am leading myself into its accommodation. . I am both excited and scared of what may happen if…

i love my attitude problem.

I cannot fully compensate the words he would say about my character. That’s who I am and I cannot change over night. He may seem nice and approachable, but his occasional outbursts would tick me off most times. I try to be MORE understanding and learn to be very VERY patient. God has let me experience a lot of things in life, but in this case, he has been testing my patience. I believe the key to this is to be compassionate. We often times confuse emotional distresses with being compassionate and that holds clearly now a different meaning. Yes I am compassionate, when I am deeply moved by pity. Yes I am emotional when I am angry. Yes this is the best type of worse kind of person life can offer. He says other people hate my character. He says I have a problem with my attitude. He does not speak in behalf of the world. I love my attitude problem.

construction site deaths.

Thursday.

Supposedly site day for us all. I got used to tagging along with the senior engineers to inspect all our active projects. We attend construction meetings and coordinate with everyone involved. Today, I look back at those times they used to take me with them. It does not help to think that I have been withdrawn from going out of the office because of safety reasons. Number of accidents have been reported. Construction worker, on the way out of the project got his head hit by a falling CHB. He died. Last time a guy got hit by a falling glass panel. It went straight mid on his head. He got into a coma and died. Previously, an elevator was being maintained by the elevator contractors, two persons were assigned to the task. One does internal, and the other controls from outside the elevator car. the car was miscontrolled and the guy inside lost his head. It was during operating hours, and passers-by witnessed this. It was both a shocking and exciting experience. I missed it.

sleep.

each day ends at two in the morning. yet i lay on my bed listening to the soothing hum of the air conditioner. i check my watch and tell myself i must sleep before i wake up in three hours...