Tru:Blood

bored.

kinilaw na starfish.

I have never felt so miserable. Well, more of feeling guilty. For taking these pretty sea stars off Batangas. It has been a week since we went wakeboarding in Calatagan. my arms hurt the next day and my friend and i decided to dive the shallow parts of South China Sea. we rode a banca and marveled at the sights of it. Especially at everything under the waters, where colorful living creatures thrive and peacefully wander (?) about. I admit having to lust over these things, so charming, so tempting to take, and bring home as souvenirs. I feel bad, it feels worse than being a foreigner smuggling exotic animals off our islands. I take these and instead of caging them, or put them in salty aquariums, would dry them out in the sun and put them on display.

I should be arrested by the animal rights police, the WWF, the DENR, the animal welfare society, National Geographic channel, or what have we. I feel so terrible...

we caught about 20 or so, and returned the rest, and brought home about 4 starfishes each...

Now I am haunted by the salty smell of the sea, and the corpses of starfish...I left them in the garden to dry, but they turn out to rot and deform under the sun.

i heard from a lady from Romblon, that they sprinkle vinegar on them so that the insides would not attract flies. i heard from someone that rock salt does help eliminate odor and would help dry them out. i read that 70% alcohol would kill the bacteria and eventually dry the starfish's insides. i even tried using Vodka, and Fundador (45% and 36% alcohol), whatever alcohol based drinks we have here in the cupboard just to *choke* kill them....

i did it. i did it. i did it.

They deserve to be treated better than this. There is no one else to be blamed but myself for the destruction of Earth. i am afterall part culprit.

it may seem that i am over reacting, but i can't help but say it and confess. i ask for your forgiveness Lord...

Reply.

well.. my reply to him then... what was i thinking?!
for Sun Aug 10, 2008, 5:43 PM

and she said ... "haha well, i just asked kasi mejo un dating ng mga photos niya you all the time, so i wanted to ask you that, something i might not know. i told you that its okay and that i think she really likes you and im not against it. we have been off for so long and we have been on our separate ways before pa. im flattered that you feel that way towards me and in truth i can't same i feel the same way. i know i have told you that when you came here in the country to visit and we understood it well. i believe we had closure then and i presume we are good since then. i miss your company though, as iv said, things have been different ever since. i guess we have grown and we have matured a bit. i am glad this has all happened and that i do not regret the things we have done together, whether it be for each other or to each other or with each other. everything. i know its not nice talking about this through writing but this is what communication we have right now. but im sure if we did talk face to face it would be the same and we could have talked comfortably and sensibly to one another. haha unlike before where you would talk non-stop and i would not want to hear it and just hit you in the face maybe. hahahha!! kiddin' anyway, it's a new week, and a new outfit to work. haha!! regardless of the pile of jobs to do for the morning, and the rest of incoming to work on the rest of the day, i take working as a crossword puzzle or like Sudoku, where i have to do it to not waste time and still learn something new each time. days for me is a blessing now, as opposed to last week when i looked at it as just time to waste.good morning to the world and to the mutated bunnies hopping wildly in our garden!! hahah!! ^^ "

Listening to: Augustana - More Than A Love Song

break time!! ^^

it was then, my first time to go diving...
this is for Wed Jul 2, 2008, 1:29 PM

ever since, i have never stopped praying for the board examination (preparation, while taking it, and the anticipation before the results are revealed, the oath taking, and the "after" -what to do next.)

i leave it all to God now, and just hope for the best!! ^^

and instead of worrying too much about it.......

i thought i'd have a little vacation. practically doing nothing or bumming around isn't so abd either. hehehe. the day after our design examinations, i slept like forever, woke up late in the afternoon. i didn't even notice it was past lunch. i guess the conditioning was too soothing, too comfortable. it seems like i was "parang hinehele ng duyan" (swaying on a hammock).

Went to Ki spa at Wilson the next day. it was de-stressing, i should say. was with Koo then and i thought I'd treat her too and as a graduation reward, for being a Novus Ordus awardee, the least i could tell her how proud i am of her and she too deserves a break. we had dinner at Manila Polo club with Jus. the food was awesome! either that or we were just too hungry or that i just loved eating. haha!!

yesterday, watched Wanted. it was a porma movie. every scene had to remind me of Narnia. maybe it was because of Mr. Tho-Thomnas or maybe it was the slow motioning and pulsating beat i hear from the Dolby / THX whichever Trinoma has in their cinemas. hmm, whatever it was, it was a good enough movie and it "helped" pass time. i don't want to go back and work yet. not maybe in another week or so. oh and TGIF's grilled chicken + bbq sauce + blue cheese dip just made my day. yumm-o. (Oh, thanks Matt, im glad we too this time off. btw, you rocked that guitar game at Timezone! hahha!!) ah, won this cute pink mushroom, too!! nyu nyu nyuuuuuuu!! :3

Tomorrow i go to an introductory Dive with Tin. -swim wear? check.
-towels? check.
-extra clothes? check.
-wet suit?
-goggles?
-fins..?
ah i think Jojo got those already. hehehe. Yay! Can't wait for tomorrow!! ^^

• Mood: Triumph
• Listening to: Yellowcard
• Reading: Bldg Tech reviewers...shucks, got used to reviewing
• Watching: Itachi. hot hot hot!!! *melts*
• Eating: Mango Flavoured Yogurt
• Drinking: Water

anti-chickening out.

for records purposes, i'm keeping this so that i could delete files from my notebook.
for Mon May 26, 2008, 10:47 AM


exactly one month before architecture board exam!!! i don't know if i should chicken out again, but then, it won't do me any good. i would just prolong this feeling of incompleteness. haha!! most Archi grads feel this way, until they get hold of their licenses. yes, that will be the day when i could say ......
"Yes, I've done it!! Starting today things will go differently, and life will definitely be better for me!!!" ^___^



it's just that there's too much studying. not that i take more breaks than the actual "reviewing" hehehhe.... just can't bear sitting in one corner for ten minutes reading about the Fire Code, or RA9266 or VSTRs or 1F.U. = 7.5 gal.min or Le Corbusier's 5 or VRV or hypostile, 2 way slabs, and moment of inflections or the standard measurements of mostly, everything!!!

every other day, review center for me,
other days, i drown myself in the 10+ piles of the different subjects to be reviewed. other than that,
this log book, is taking much of my time. i know i should not put too much detail into it, more like, generalizing na. hurry up Lainey, got to file these at PRC before the weekends!! (deadline is next week June 6!!) agrgh!!! hmp, let alone this stupid pre-board.

i thought i was glad i took that PLEET last year, when Dean Fernandez required us all to take it or else he would not sign our log books. after 2 board examinations since June 2007, the BOA now hears the cry of the Arki children. and well, makes bali-wala the dean's role. mejo disrespectful though, and says that the kids taking the exam this time, may or may not have their dean's signature, 'coz the transcripts and the diplomas certify that the student did grad from that university. sus. what good does that balita do me? just shows that there is injustice after all. Ty was held up last January 2008 from taking the exam because of that n biglang ganito this time?

bad trip ah.

then again, if i look at it in a different perspective, it might have been a warning, an evaluation, i weighted that i might not have answered much in the test and i am not prepared at all. (so thank you Archt. R. Alli, and Dean JJ. hahha!!! ) but, maybe it also was a test of faith n confidence. Maybe if i did not chicken out. i could have gone through the exam and be not worring now. *grrrrrrrrr*

i should change my attitude now before i go back to chickening out again, i should be excited and geekily (nyayyy) and happily (ugh) prepare for the last week of June 2008!!

yep, i can't wait!!! (sarcastic. hahha)

La La Lie. iLove !!

He is above all this. He sees to it that our friends do not leave us, neither would our family, it is his way of telling us, how deeply hurt he is when we are troubled; how deeply moved he is when we are emotional; how ecstatic he is when we are excited and happy. He feels us.

In times of trouble, we run to our friends for support, our family, if all else fails to give us that comfort we need. Never the less the requirement from either one, we heed compassion from them. We see empathy that they, yes, feel our pain. They literally cry with us, and ride with us when we are in the pits. We rely so much on other people’s support, because we know that they will uplift us from too much sadness, and worry. Like in a dream, they are the Sandman waiting to rescue us from our endless fall.

That's why they would sometimes need to La La Lie too.... ^___^

Hehehe...Thank you so much to Toni Agustin and Monica for the Everything in Transit CD. iLove !! ^______^ *mwahhhhhh!!!!!!

Congratulations on your wedding!!! ^^

My Prom Night.

he asked me to the prom.
he tells me his dreams.
he talks to me about life and art and how it gives him hope to love again.
i thought differently, finding out that he is into someone else.
she gives him a slap instead of a kiss.
he told me i have won.
and in what way?
i remain alone.
and he continues to walk behind her...
...on my prom night.


(dammmitttttttt!!!!!!!!)

When the queen finally kissed a worker bee . . .

i had to keep this.
it's by my friend Marvin.


Foggy windows that I never washed
Leave spots that the morning sun reveals
I squint to see past those lovely brown remnants
Shrugged off in revs over speed bumps

Little dark gifts with big heads, cute
Now discoloured and originally undeserved
Are the reasons why I struggle to see
Using kindness on a long-lost cause

And pointless shame and memory
Keep the dirt inside a chanced luxury
A treasure of Cool Watered tears and kisses
Repeats alongside old track 12

Hypnotizing, the voice
But like a fan I follow and say
That I must need you. How I hate you.
How I hate your lips, they sucked my neck

In ecstasy
That is there again as the sunrise climbs
And I follow the warmth, falling everyday,
because of the miracle
When the queen finally kissed a worker bee

-MW

Tired Eyes - i just jhad to edit Bruno Carvalho's 'Dead Eyes'

TIRED EYES

Look into my tired eyes
in them I've kept so many lies
drink all of my sadness
taste me more than just that, Your Highness

Hear my loudest whisper
Do not hope, for you shall rather not decipher
the words I've spoken to you last night while i was drunk
all the love I said i had for u, and him, twas true, never meant to f*ck..

Around. I let you taste my kiss
all the sweetness of Red Horse, San Mig Light and Johnny Walker
months overdue, now it has poisoned you
all the hate I've swore to keep till i am sober.

You held my hands and pulled me close
I hope you understood
the pain I have to go through If you continue on making me
fall for you. In my tired eyes my whiskey flavored tears.

-i just had to "fix" Bruno Carvalho's poem, Pammie. this is my version. this all happened last night. maybe corny to you, 'coz m no writer... i just wanted to type......

...coz Johnny....was...WALKING....

Shipwrecked_6 Months

Noise lords my angelic heart

Like a grotesque piece of UP fine art

Composed of all mediums, colors and yelloe hues

More of a glow than just a shadow of your shoes.

My heart screams in incalculable distress

Like a shipwreck to me, i®is, your sky piratess

On a bot-infected wave of a matrix

Where congestion pleads “let me out if this cream fix!!”

My mind proclaim neither of our love is real

For it has to keep steady its pain, everything that it can bear

From these two people who are dear

To me, loving them would be my worst nightmare.

3 days past the most ecstatic of our college days

A week has gone since I last seen you, iv torn the memories into pieces

This sky above me, says nothing more or less

Of your love for me, you can’t even sacrifice your maiden in distress.

Thank you for letting him go

I am juvenile when drunk, and worse of all naive

To think that only happiness can save me

This heart he says he’s loved even for just 6 days times thirty.

I didn't know what i was thinking when i wrote this, but i know i was erm...depressed??! .... Pammie would tell me, "there's always another week to look forward to.., so cheer up!!" =T

I'm just not sure about her suggestion......... =(

cleaning up/ out/ wherever that says "me"

I've been cleaning out blogs and un-necessary up loadings.. so bear with me. =)

Rescue : Un-beleaguered and Un-frayed Since April Eight : Karma

i feel anxious, more like excited
un-beleaguered and un-frayed since April Eight
i seek aggravation
bustle and uproar i await
let it re-live unending for i will return to it without holding back

shall it be given back to me
unmindful of what others may whisper about
i want it back in my hands
despite the joy and karma it had once have me taste
i do not want it forgotten, nor thrown tom waste

i stand unsteadily
knowing why I did what I have done
without the tears
with all the labels they have named me
I have been watching, anticipating, waiting for your rescue

shall it be given back to me
unmindful of what others may whisper about
i want it back in my hands
despite the joy and karma it had once have me taste
i do not want it forgotten, nor thrown tom waste

I ask no question or doubt that you may not spare me a chance
the one and only, ours, and was never mine alone
I am certain where this shall lead me
I am. With or without you

But lost, still asking upon
I need you, and I am too stubborn to admit it
I have been watching, anticipating, waiting for your rescue

*if it's lousy, don't read. if you liked it, want you to know that i wrote this as 'reply' after reading Vinzi's song ("i want you back..")

dead baby maya.

it was a long day and i had to relax my mind before i go back into anymore studying. i went out the front yard for a dip in the pool. nothing beats night swimming. i tried to clear my mind as i swam each lap, i could not help but think of building construction, structural design and history of architecture. it seemed that my mind was too congested and needless to say too obstructed by thoughts of -----. i could not help but smile and laugh to myself, reminiscing how despite 3 years ago, yesterday could have been awkward. but no, it was actually relieving, like taking out a ton of gravel off my chest. yes, i missed him. but it does not mean that i want him back now that i am focusing for June 26, 2008. i let my mind wander of what should have been and just a while ago, as i was doing my laps, my fingers brushed through something. it was too small to be noticed in such a big tub. but instead of ignoring it, i tried to see what it was as it was difficult to see through the water without the UW lights on. despite the dim glow of the moon, i saw tiny wings.....a dead baby maya. it was a sign, and it meant for me to stop thinking of past relationships as it is dead as it is. and that god did not let things end then if it were not meant to be left broken as it is. surely, even in structural analysis, delta x is delta x. period.


tsk.


"......Don't they know that you're full of pain already? Yes they know that you've hurt yourself another time; Decadence isn't easy, is it?...

...Then you slowly recall all your mind; Why, your soul's gone cold, and all hope has run dry; Dead inside; Never enough to forget that you're one of the lonely....." - Disturbed

breathe amidst traffic.

For Fri Mar 14, 2008, 1:26 AM

It seems that i have found a way to avoid doing heavy load. no, not a coward's way out. but finding fault in a system done over so many times that it needs to be looked after and given attention.

now i can breathe amidst the traffic inside this corrupted office and relax my mind to the sound of the air conditioning unit humming wildly above my desk.

He says that I am pretty…pretty intense.

Speed drafting class starts at 9 in the morning. I come in late as usual, and luckily catching up on whatever techniques in drawing our professor shares with the class.

Lecture. Samples. Samples. More samples. Exercises.

I tried to make everything on my sheets of hopia paper look impressive, but I noticed that 2 years of no-drawing work has made me rusty.

Despite my disappointment, our professor pointed at my work and said “sure na ‘yan”. I took it as a good sign.

Its now 4 in the afternoon. My eyes tired, my hands darkened with lead and stained with ink.

Still practicing.

R----- praised my drafting. He said that I have improved a lot since college. He says that I am pretty............... pretty intense. Wahaha!!

Yay.

"Oh, I'm ready, I'm ready so don't stop
I'm ready so don't stop, Keep pushing..."

disgusting ang delusional.

The past weeks have been delusional. I come to work on alternate days and on other days I begin my day at eight in the morning. Design classes are like a necessity for me night now, and in truth, I cannot afford to lose a session. I admit I come in class later than that, and expect to finish the plate in 4 hours, whereas the given time is about 8 hours including doing the conceptual model. After which the professor would discuss and the student shall interact amongst and with him regarding the design problem involved. R says that I have been doing well, I believe I’m lacking something else. I try to be effective and not waste those 9 hours specifically just for drafting and design or I might not have any other day allotted for it because Wednesday and or Thursday would have a totally different schedule, different agenda.

I still need practice. Patience is a virtue but time really is gold and ticks too damn fast.
After class at Morayta, I head straight to the next class in Diliman. Given an hour travel, and leaving the 1st class 30 minutes later than the supposed dismissal time due to extensive criticism of design solutions, I arrive to the next class late. I among to cope anyway and that’s what matters. I know for sure that the given time for us to listen and participate in the next four hours is "review" enough. So I pay attention. Literally paid the school so I would be in attention to all these details I need for architecture, design and construction. Life is a breeze, it means, like Juan Tamad, and should be as easy as swinging on a hammock under the mango tree. But in this case, it has been a breeze, airy, data overload, and fast drifting.

Going to work on the other hand has become automatic to me. As for a robot, doing the usual stuff, Different situations, different projects, but the same way of handling things. As M would say SSDD! I see myself calm, avoiding to stress over work, as I believe, sir it isn’t my business. But I do care about it and its owners, maybe that’s why I was placed in this position. This department, where our department head puts it as the trusted ones of the COO. I have been thinking, maybe I have been too honest or too nice here. Whereas I thought I was different then. J says I have changed for the better. Maybe to fit his habits n attitude here, and for his benefit. But I know I do not like what I have been becoming. This is not what I had expected at all. Again, regret. I know that I should never go sour over the outcome however bad it may be, but I can not understand I how I have managed to stay adapt to an environment, where there seem forces trying to drag me down and keep hidden back for him only to be acknowledged. Being a good officemate and supposedly partner in projects, I do pat his back for a job well done, and so does he sometimes, but more often with hint of sarcasm. No I am not seeking attention, but his actions towards me have led to him doing the work I should be doing. I assume so he’d be noticed now and be given extra credit for it. I work all trades, and with pay for the work of one. It sucks.

On normal days he would try to take all the work and surely, I’d be sitting by my desk doing just a few minor projects. I let him do what he wants n go to meetings not including me now. And then come this morning, when he admits he cannot take too much work n needed a partner. I said then what was I here for? And he would retaliate that it just so happens that I come only alternate days to work. (Due to my classes these days and I cannot jeopardize that, because my complaint refers to the time he have been so dates back to ayah~ F knows when. he says he cannot just schedule meetings on days I’m here. I mean, why can’t he? We do the schedules and submit them to the project managers. He is doing this on purpose. And for what (obvious) reason? I do not want to assume judgement because I fear my hypothesis to be true and see it with disgust.

Lord help…

empty playground.

I just do not get how life can be unfair sometimes. He was introduced to me by a colleague. We went out with his entourage and it pretty much went well. Though I have been told that I get along very well with people, I was aware that I have made a nice impression on his group. Even though one of them had courted me in the past and that I have turned down, the guy has now moved on and have found the right girl for him. I took it as a relief and concentrated on this guys was introduced to. The Date. He is tall and slim, but it seemed he lack exercise, or so that I could just see he has a appetite and that his belly gives it away. After that night, we spoke on the phone occasionally, texted whenever there’s a need of help in marketing their business, visiting me here in the office, when he has a meeting elsewhere and that he just didn’t have no where else to go and wait until the scheduled time of meeting begins. It was in those times that I have known him, the so little information I have learned mostly, observations of his words and actions, ad how he reacts to and to the things I would say. we have gone out 2 to 3 times, and that’s about the time we have spent together. All those nights we waste on the phone, talking nonsense, and sometimes about life in general, have left me questioning about his feelings for me. In many ways he has jokingly expressed his feelings for me, either true, or like what I said, jokingly, a half-meant truth. I never wanted to assume, as it has been a burden for me, knowing that something is what I have expected, as in truth it is the opposite. Many times it ahs given me hope for better things in life, but never the less, have brought me despair, in all things, not only in love like a child, I am lost to wander the sandpits of the vast and empty playground in this phase of my life. Today, this guy whom I thought has feeling for me, and yes, whom I’ve gotten to like also, has come to visit. He got some materials for his requirement, a favor he has asked of me for his mom. Instead of just taking the things he needed, he asked how I am, and we chatted a few minutes. He tells me all of a sudden how sad he has become. And I asked why. He told me about his constant thought about dating, going out and not being happy about it. Though he says that he enjoys their company, its not the same meaning as being happy about it. Whatever it means, I could not explain, I know how he feels, so I told him. And then asked, " how about me? Do u feel unhappy when in my company?" and he replied that if he were unhappy, would he be visiting me right now? (He sounded like me, a hoax at exposing one’s thoughts) at times though I think it is good, as it helps people relax, you tell them what they want to hear, and yet, of course I would know when not to, and tell them the truth when the audience is willing to hear it. At this point I feel like being slapped by my own hand. I guess he does not take me seriously now because I have always done the same with him as expressed through my actions and how I speak to him. it just feels sad to realize, how hard it is to accept that, when I asked "now, why are u telling me this?" he said "I just think that I want to open up to you now, since we’re friends anyway, right?" and I just said "yeah we are."
( I just do not get how life can be unfair sometimes…)

Endless. Rescue. Dream.

He is above all this. He sees to it that our friends do not leave us, neither would our family, it is his way of telling us, how deeply hurt he is when we are troubled; how deeply moved he is when we are emotional; how ecstatic he is when we are excited and happy. He feels us.

In times of trouble, we run to our friends for support, our family, if all else fails to give us that comfort we need. Never the less the requirement from either one, we heed compassion from them. We see empathy that they, yes, feel our pain. They literally cry with us, and ride with us when we are in the pits. We rely so much on other people’s support, because we know that they will uplift us from too much sadness, and worry. Like in a dream, they are the Sandman waiting to rescue us from our endless fall.

Today was different.

Today was different.
I came in early for work.
This is not because we had a deal the previous day, I just wanted to show him I can do it.
I had my schedule lined up for the whole day. I stuck my list, comprising of three pieces of paper on my office partition. It shone happily, telling em how this day would be good and I could accomplish everything to it and any assignment to be given involuntarily. I was high.
It began as soon as I looked up from my wide and cluttered desk…. There standing by our administration personnel’s cubicle is the first contractor/supplier I had to meet. I signaled to my mentor and he told me to go ahead. It was a good sign that he “trusts” me now. I began with the clarificatory meeting and discussed with the supplier all the items he has to keep in mind to be able to submit to us afterwards our requirement.
It went well and I signaled to my mentor again what I was done with it. Instead of the usual “overtaking”, he spoke tot he guy in with respect now, to me, he acknowledged and confirmed that the guy prepare what I needed for my evaluation. I was happy about what he did, n what he said. It made my morning.